Long Night

last night I feelt completely numb apart from a deep ache so far inside me. Exactly the same feeling I had when Mandy died, except this time I reconised it. The rain didn't help- usually don't mind rain esp. at night when I don't have to get wet, but last night it was the most horrible sound......to the point that I didn't want to get up this morning until it stopped which meant I got up too late for uni- so now I'm sitting at home telling myself I'll make the best of it by writting the 2 essays due in but not getting at all far.

Such a wierd feeling- I don't hate anything, I don't hate my life, not angry with God- if anything its the opposite because I love my life and the people and things in it, inc. God.

Been accepted to work at the local high school and help some kids out there- which is great, but was told about it on a day when I felt the least able to handle anything like that- life can be so ironic!

So this is my way of talking about it because the fact that it involves someone else which every christian in my life knows and the people I've tried to talk to are busy having babies or going through their own dramas is making it kind of hard- not going to take the 'easy ' way out this time and push through it!!:)